14 April 2008

Boot 'n Paddle - April 11, 2008

Yesterday I got so excited that a person standing next to me exploded. That got me even more excited! Right now, thinking about that person’s explosion, I am getting so excited that I need to scream! Now everyone down the hall is getting excited. Madison is so excited that she just put her head in the sleeve of her sweatshirt and is stomping around like an elephant. She’s yelling, “Your community-based consersvation won’t hold me down!” Brent just lit his computer on fire he’s so excited. Glen just got so excited that he has hives; he’s rubbing his body on the carpet to ease the itching but his face is really showing some excitement. Brit is searching the Internet for palindromes and screaming them at the top of her lungs. “No, it never propagates if I set a gap or prevention! Rats live on no evil star!” She’s getting really excited. “Straw? No, too stupid a fad: I put soot on warts!” Ace won’t stop wiggling. He just fell off his bed and is madly wiggling on the carpet next to his roommate, Glen. I’ve never seen two people so excited! Justine is standing inside her room with both hands on her door handle repeatedly pretending to slam the door shut but then stopping an inch from the impact saying, “Whoa, that was close!” Cameron is so excited that he is coloring all of his clothes solid black with a sharpie. Dakota is tonguing the air like a lizard. June is smashing ice on the floor of her room yelling, “It’s snowing!” Kiren and Rick are so excited that they decided to order ten subscriptions to a science fiction book of the month club. Now, they’re even more excited. Ricky is biting his lip to hold in his shrieks of delight and Kiren is shaking Rick by his shoulders yelling, “Do you realize what we have just done, my friend?!” Ariel just passed out she’s so excited. Parker’s mouth is wide open, her entire face aching to scream, but no sound will come out. She’s that excited! Sam is eating all of the T-shirts that Cameron is coloring black, forcing Cameron to color more. They’re both getting really excited.   Ariel just came to and is screaming, “The President needs to know about this!” over and over again. Theo is sitting at his desk nodding his head up and down and occasionally slapping himself. Megan’s ears are bleeding she’s so excited. Perry is standing in front of the mirror yipping and saluting himself. Elsie is so excited that she is putting on all of her roommate’s clothes on top of one another. “Nope, not there yet!” she just yelled. And its all got me thinking, isn’t it nice that I know everyone’s name? 

09 April 2008

Boot 'n Paddle - April 5, 2008

It’s late right now, this column is eight or so hours late, I have a drawing due tomorrow at 8:30 am that I haven’t started, my bad spot is itching like crazy, and all I can think about is how sick I am of Pileated woodpeckers, especially those on our campus.

            Here’s what I’m thinking about Pileated woodpeckers: First of all, are they paying tuition? That is, of course, a joke question, but they aren’t. They aren’t paying tuition. What do our tuition dollars go towards? Okay, fair. Sure they don’t go to class, nor do they eat is the dining hall. But guess what? A large portion of our payment goes towards maintenance, and residence. These freeloading mutts fly around our campus, living in our trees. Not only that, to live in these trees they have to peck out they trees’ insides (the trees’ soul). They do the same thing to eat. More holes! No, thanks. I would rather these turds eat at Dana than litter our lawns with wood chippings, ruining the trees in the process. We should work out a system where the peckers eat our scrap Dana food. I hope they don’t like Mac and Cheese triangles because of those I never have leftovers.

            Then there’s the principal of what they are doing. Imagine this scenario: Me. Out next to a tree completely naked (birds don’t wear any clothing), with an axe chopping away at a tree day after day. To me that sounds illegal. So why are these birds not being prosecuted?! I’ll tell you why, because the burden of proof is on the prosecution and no one has enough gumption to stand up to these savages!

            Here’s an idea… When I was younger my family had a fish tank full of brightly colored fish, and one day it and the fish were gone. My Dad told my brother and me that he put some in our pond and the brought the others to our town’s college for experiments. I thought this was really cool and my Dad said we could visit them in the laboratory anytime. We, St. Lawrence, just built a new science building that is huge and I’m sure somewhere in that building there is someone who thinks it might be fun to use the Pileated woodpeckers for experiments. And what do experiments do? They help people and birds. Couldn’t we just round up these creatures and bring them to the new science building for research and testing? Or we could just flush them down the toilet like my Dad actually did.